Keep Everyone Happy vs. Make Sure Everyone Knows I’m Right.
These were the two competing “values” in my household when I was a child. My mother is loving, kind, and accommodating. My father is intelligent, opinionated, and stubborn. They share similar interests, worldviews, and political opinions, but they differ widely in their inter-personal interactions.
I realized as an adult that I never learned how to face conflict properly. I was caught between wanting to stand up for myself and my loved ones, and being afraid of coming across as “too much.” It’s why I learned to be funny. Laughing diffuses tension, even if not everyone agrees with what I have to say. I can have a voice and still be liked. I can sit in the sweet spot of caring that everyone around me is happy, and everyone knowing how smart and right I am!
The flaw in these concepts as “values” is major: We cannot control other humans.
I know, I know. My job is literally to get people to change behaviors. Did I just waste all that sweet sweet grad school money? Thousands of dollars down the drain? Am I living a lie?!
No, of course not. As a behavior analyst, I make changes in the environment to support behavior change. I make it easier for my clients to get the things they want, so that they don’t need to resort to harmful behaviors for the same results. I alter the world around them to make them more likely to engage in certain behaviors.
But I can’t make anyone do anything.
Sure, with my big funny brain I can pair myself with reinforcement. I can identify what traits, words, and activities are desirable for everyone I meet and adjust my own behavior accordingly. I can flash my charming smile, nod, and agree with everything they say. I can change my behavior to make it more likely that people will be happy and like me.
I can also win debates by presenting logical facts. I can pull out peer-reviewed articles, cite history and experts. I can dismiss fallacies and pseudo-science outright, insist on only using solid evidence, and point out that others’ theories are bunk. I can change my behavior to make it more likely that people will associate me with truth and facts.
In doing those things, though, can I stay true to my worldview? If my behavior is always changing to accommodate desirable outcomes for everyone I meet, I’m bound to say or do something that goes against something I hold dear. What if I’m faced with someone telling a racist joke? If I care about wanting that person to like me, I’d smile and laugh, and avoid telling my anti-racist friends (who I, of course, also want to like me) about any of it. What if I have faith in something that has little to no evidence? I’d have to go down a rabbit hole or start doing mental gymnastics to “prove” I’m right.
It’s all exhausting just thinking about it.
So lately I’ve combined what I’ve learned growing up with values that keep me true to myself: Empathy / Kindness and Scientific Exploration / Dissemination. These might sound similar to my childhood ideals, but I’ve removed the challenging outcomes. If I behave in a manner that aligns with empathy and kindness, I might make some enemies along the way. If I focus on Scientific Exploration and Dissemination, I keep an open mind to the possibilities of new evidence and encourage friendly debate. If I combine these values, I can find new points of view I never before considered. It’s been freeing, and I feel as though I’m seeing the world with new eyes.
This year has been mentally taxing on many of us. We’re all battling a health crisis we haven’t seen in our lifetimes. For Americans, we’re in the middle of a very messy election year. I encourage you as you continue to push on through 2020 to consider the values you hold. Take some of the weight off your shoulders, and stay true to yourself through your values and your behaviors.